At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
