I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
