Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
