it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
