First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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