Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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