What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Can I color on your dick again?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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