Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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