Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This baby is an asshole
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
