I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
