I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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