you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
im on a boat
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