I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
