How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
