Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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