Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
