I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
