Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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