I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize