it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
