He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
