I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize