So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
