I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize