I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize