I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
