Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Randomize
