why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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