I feel great
I just peed on a car
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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