ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
