Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
