your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
