i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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