I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize