You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
