I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just high enough for therapy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
