you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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