Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
