Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
