tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
