i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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