mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
