Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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