It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize