Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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