I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
