Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
