She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
well you can't waste a boner
areolas are like halos for boobs.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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