mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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