Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Are my feet made of real feet?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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