What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
