I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I had to cum in my sink.
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