I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
