dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
