My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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