i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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