I murdered the dance floor call the cops
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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