yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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