don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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