Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Come back. Shots need mouths.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
