when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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