Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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